my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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