dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
