I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
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