So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
My liver just had a heart attack.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
