put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Define "chronic" masturbator.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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