Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
