She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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