Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
