peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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