yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
