I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
