I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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