roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Who put my cat in the fridge?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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