Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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