Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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