Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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