I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
