The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
