Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
