You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
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Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
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I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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