He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
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You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
The ass gains better be worth it
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