My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
