I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
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