get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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