My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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