im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
