why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
