Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
