Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
