my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
