): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
