I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
