Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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