Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
