Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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