how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I want her autograph on my taint
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
In other news, I just burned my penis
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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