How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
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HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
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Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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