he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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