Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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