Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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