really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
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you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
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If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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