Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
You're like the curious george of whores
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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