Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
