Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
