Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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