I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
