since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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