I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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