ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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