good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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