someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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