Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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