if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
