I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
