So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
