Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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