My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
