Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
